The Pearly Gates

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.
Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an
engineer - you're in the wrong place."  

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy.  

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says
with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's
no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."  

God replies "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send
him up here."  

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him."  

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers "Yeah, right. And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

The Fairy Tale

A man was walking down the road one day when he happened upon a frog.  The frog said "I am an enchanted princess and if you kiss me I will return to my original form."  The man picked the frog up and put it in his pocket.  The frog says "I am an enchanted princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you for a week."  The man takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it, and puts it back in his pocket.  The frog says "I am an enchanted princess and if you kiss me I will make you happy."  The man takes the frog out of his pocket again, smiles at it, and returns it to his pocket.  The frog says "I am enchanted princess, why won't you kiss me?!"  The man takes the frog out of his pocket and says, "I am an engineer and I don't have time for a girlfriend right now but I think a talking frog is cool."

Thermodynamics in Hell

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had only one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist then they must have some mass.  

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not be leaving.  As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project  all that all people and souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.  

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's  Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and the volume need to stay constant.  

 #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of  souls in hell then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during my freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a sexual relation with her, than #2 cannot be true and hell is exothermic.  

The student got the only A.  

Endothermic - A term used to describe a chemical process in which  heat is absorbed.

Exothermic - A term used to describe a chemical process in which heat is released.

From Steven Wright:

• What is the speed of dark?
• When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
• How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
• What's another word for synonym?
• When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• How can there be self-help groups?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Where are Preparations A through G?
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• My school colors were "clear".
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night.  They sent me a wake-up letter.
• Hermits have no peer pressure.
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
• There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..
• How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
• It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
• Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
• I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped.  I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."
• I played a blank tape on full volume.  The mime who lives next door complained.
• Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
• When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Things To Do To Show Other How Cool You Are:

• Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
• If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with  your pen while talking to others.
• Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
• Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
• Practice making fax and modem noises.
• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
• Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
• TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
• type only in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Sing along at the opera.
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't  rhyme.
• Ask your coworkers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Return to Home Page